Blog Name: Chandelier Smith (Aged 9 3/4)

This is my blog wot i am riting on the skool compooter wen teecher is not looking to see wot i am doing, she is a nozy cow her name is mrs nicholls we call her mrs nickers and wayne ses she dont ware any nickers and i sed wy not and he sed her bum is too big for nickers cos she is so fat.

i wont a barbie for xmas with the parti set, it is awsum i seen it on telly on the disney chanel. my dad hates disney chanel he only woches sports chanel, my mum hates sports chanel she only woches shoping chanel she spend a milloin pownds on joowellry and then ses dont tell daddy he will do his flamign nut.

i hate my bruther he is called beckam after sum stuopid fotball man, he is such a looser he just plaes on his xbox and piks his noze, his bedrom is very messe and he has stuopid hair wot stiks up, i rote a letta to santa arsking for becham to be taeken away by fairis and imprisnd in a big dunjen wot is all dark with nuthign but worms to ete, that wuld show huim.

i also arsked santa for a strech limo they are awsum i seen them on telly on the disney chanel orll the stars hav them they have servints as wel i so wont a servint to do orll mi homwurk i am exorstid with mi homwurk becos mrs nickers is such a mean cow i wuld like to lok her up with beckham they can get hungri and ete eech uther.

uncle miky is cumming for xmas lunch he is funne he can berp and sing at the saem time, mum ses he is disgustin he dusnt hav a job and is a laze git and a spunger tho i dont no wot a spunger is no wun will tel me.

i bort a jigsaw for mi dad for xmas from the skool jumbl sael, it onli hav wun peece mising. i bort a teddy for mum from the jumbl sael, it hav its ears mising but she can maek new wuns i think. well i ort to stop now it is hom time and no wun must no i dun this so ssssssshhhhhh alrite and lets keep it anonimus.

Blog Name: Nick Clegg's Xmas Message

As leader of the Liberal Democrat Party, I wish to issue a simple message to all of you out there.

You know, people often ask me, "Why is our great country so divided? Why do we have so many out of work, so many who simply don't want to work? Why do we have broken roads and dilapidated schools? Why are our MPs allowed to get away with stealing tax payer's money? Why do we pay so much for fuel and energy supplies? Why do we no longer have any industry of our own but instead rely on foreigners to run the few production lines still in the country? Why do we allow arrogant and selfish bankers to push the economy to the brink of disaster, and then stand back and allow them to pay themselves huge bonuses out of public funds? Why are our soldiers fighting and dying for reasons no one can properly explain in a country that no one really cares a damn about?"

And when I am asked these things I, like every other politician in Westminster, shrug my shoulders and say "Sorry mate, not a fucking clue."

Merry Christmas one and all.

The Man In Kabul Talks Futbol

It seems that just about everyone with a blog these days is talking about the game and I feel that it is an important enough matter that I should take some time out from my meeting with the US Secretary Of State to do the same.

I want to express the deepest sympathies of the Afghan people and assure the Irish that we did not bribe Thierry Henry to handle the ball in the box. I know that opinion around the world is that we are the second most corrupt nation on earth, and we take great offense on this matter because we believe that the Somalis' are mere amateurs compared to us, but I can assure the people of Ireland that we were hoping for an Irish win. We see many similarities in our countries. The Afghan people suffered the underdog tag for long enough to recognise one of our own. We had the Russians to contend with, then the Taliban, and now we can't seem to get those meddling Americans to stay out of our affairs. We know all about Ireland's struggle with the UK and therefore we would never dream of interfering in the game against France and Ireland in a negative manner for the Irish. And just to be certain I put my best men on it and there has been no record of Mr Thierry Henry ever been seen in the bazaars of Kabul.

Personally, like in my election with Dr Abdullah Abdullah (what a name eh, how he ever thought he could become Afghan President when his parents blessed him with so much imagination), I am all for a replay. I really think that in fairness it would be the right thing to do for France and Ireland to have another runoff in order for one them to go to the World Cup. And I can assure my Irish friends that we would do everything to manipulate the result in their favour.

Anyway must get back to talking with that Clinton woman and hope she hasn't seen this blog. 

Vote Loony!

Hello and cheese.

I would like to put it to you, and then take it out again. And then put it to you again, and then out again. And then shake it all about.

Election time is looming, rather like a tall and very hairy brown bear which has crept up on you whilst you enjoy a picnic somewhere in Eastern Europe, where they still have such things. Picnics, that is, not bears. And why, you may ask, is an election like a tall and hairy brown bear? Well, they both eat fish, for a start. And let's not forget the, er, the...

All over the country, people are shaking their fists at the telly. They are swearing at the radio. My Aunt Dorothy often chats to the pedal bin. When I was younger, I once propositioned a flipflop. None of this makes any difference though, we are still saddled with a hopeless government which continues to enrage anyone with half a brain, and a car, and a mortgage, and kids, and a desire to JUST GET ON WITH IT.

Clearly, the time for change is upon us, and so I say to you, the Great British Public, that your time has come. Vote Loony and all of this political nonsense will be cast aside as a new broom breathes fresh air, albeit brown and hairy air smelling slightly of bear, into Westminster.

We Loonys fully intend to change things. All MPs, for instance, will have to wear French Maid costumes, every other Friday. All right, a lot of them do anyway, but we'll ensure that this process is made public, in fact we'll hire an open top bus and cart the bastards around London, rain or shine.

We also wish to sort out the balance of payments. We will begin exporting beer and conkers, in vast quantities, to all the countries of the world. Proper brown beer, at cellar temperature, with no fizzy pop or lingering aftertaste of badger piss. Big conkers, shiny, tough, equal to any foreign conker. Once these exports have captured all the foreign markets, we will consolidate by exporting Daily Mail readers. No other country in the world could match our blinkered, bigotted, paranoid old farts and they'll pay good money to get their hands on them.

Well, I could go on, but frankly Mildred, I'd ruin my trousers. Just enough space to say hmm, let's stay anonymous for a while else the other parties might steal our policies. You can't trust any of them, you know. Back to brown bears again, really.

Blog Name: Fuck 'em

World Statesman of the Year. How about that, eh? Are you listening to this, Mr Nick 'I'll pay you money to vote for me' Clegg? Did you cop that, Mr David 'Oooh I went to Eton and got squiffy on fucking babycham' Cameron? Eh? EH?

I'll soon be telling the lot of 'em where to get off, oh yes. Fuck 'em all, they don't deserve me. I'm up on the world stage now, pal, and frankly my friend Barack and I got better things to do than agonise over the piddling little problems of some third world country that no one gives a toss about, not now the banks are fucked and the north sea oil's run out.

I said to my friend Barack, I said "Wouldn't it be cool if I moved out to the States and then we could meet up all the time, like for dinner and stuff, because I've got loads of really good advice to give you." Well he was so choked up he could barely speak, but eventually he said well, maybe I should try and fix my own country's problems first?

What a guy, he really wants me at his side but he's prepared to wait for me to fix the UK first. That's what I call a friend. Anyway, I was about to tell him that I really didn't give a fuck about the UK any more, what with the polls suggesting that I'm about as electable as offal, and that I've already started house hunting in LA, when the line went dead, I guess because he'd finished washing his hands and wanted to go back in to see the rest of the show.

Anyway, all I have to do is go through the motions until May then I'm outta here, off to the US of A and a new life, whooping it up as a World Statesman, going to all the best parties with my friend Barack, and as for Downing Street, I shall laugh myself fucking senseless, watching Cameron or Clegg or Uncle Tom sodding Cobley trying to salvage something out of the train wreck.

Right, best keep this under wraps for a little while longer while I carry on pretending to care. Meantime, I'm watching the LA property market and looking for a good agent who can get me a part in the next Bruce Willis movie. Hey, I'm, like, doing an Arnie in reverse! That's funny, that is. I'll put that in an email and send it to my friend Barack. He loves a good laugh, he does.

Blog Name: David Brent's Faith

Another day here at Wernham-Hogg. We do paper. That's what I like to say to my staff. It's punchy, like the stuff they say in films, like "Lock and load". That sounds good. No one knows what that means but it sounds good.

I'm not a sound bite person though, I mean, that's shallow. I'm more of a profound person. If I were to say to my staff "Right, let's lock and load!" Then I would have to follow that up. Yesterday I told Gareth that life is like a donut, which he responded to. No need to follow up, he understood my meaning. There was a moment between us, like two minds, coming together. Not that we're close, you know, in that way. Strictly professional.

Being profound can be hard work, though. When I go amongst my staff I can see on their faces that they're expecting wisdom and understanding, possibly rounded off with a belly laugh. Depends on how much time I've got. My presence amongst them is a bit like Jesus amongst his disciples. He was a carpenter so he was used to dealing with wood. Then he became a shepherd. That shows versatility. After that, he was a fisherman. Had he lived, he probably would have gone into textiles.

I often think about religion when I'm alone, in those private moments. When I have to tackle the big issues, I ask myself, 'Shall I turn away? Shall I shirk my responsibilities?' No, is the answer. John the Baptist never gave up, even as he led the people to freedom. Did he say, 'Oh, look, a big river, we'll never cross that, best turn around lads and go home again.' No, he built the ark and over they went.

If I had to sum up my faith, I would say 'I believe in a world where everyone is equal.' That's it. Equality. Even for foreigners and disabled people. I mean, just because you're in a wheelchair, that's no excuse to sit back and take it easy. I mean, I could sit in a wheelchair and get Gareth to push me round all day, but I wouldn't, and not just because other people might think we're gay, like a kind of gay couple, one of whom happens to be in a wheelchair. No, I wouldn't do that because I am equal. So I should be up and about, not loafing around.

I often say to people, 'Look up there and what do you see?' This works much better outside, otherwise you get the idiots saying 'Oh, light fittings', or maybe 'Oh, ceiling tiles,' like I've never heard that joke before. The answer should be 'Oh, the stars.' Well, exactly. If it's after sunset and it's not cloudy. You really do need to pick your moment with this one.

Anyway, enough blogging, enough 'technology'. There are problems to be solved, people needing guidance and, like the Good Lord, I only have my two hands. But then, I need nothing more. I can only be grateful that these two hands are capable of bringing me so much fulfilment.

Best keep this anonymous though. If those creeps in the computer section got hold of it they'd probably post it on you tube, like they did with that video of Gareth dressed as Rambo. You can't trust anyone these days.

Blog Name: A Soldier's Tale

I don't remember too much about the day it happened. We were riding the APV out of Sangin on a road that seemed to be mostly pot holes held together with rocks the size of footballs. Dust fogged up and turned the sky brown. We bounced along, sweating like a squashed sponge, watching the desert for any sign of the bastards but, wouldn't you know it, they saw us before we saw them, and then - bang.

The APV must have turned over several times. I saw it like a slow motion movie, tumbling kit and bodies slowly slamming into bulkheads. Shadows whirled around and then swamped me and the world went all fuzzy. No pain though. Not a thing, which was weird, considering.

After a while, I don't know how long, I saw a face looking down at me, then that disappeared. More whirling shadows, clouds chasing each other across a nightmare of a sky, then a feeling of movement, like I was drifting. More faces, quite a few this time and I'm sure I recognised some of them but they moved so fast, or maybe I was too dopy to keep up. I think some of them were trying to talk to me. I got the feeling that they were telling me it was alright now. Nothing to worry about now.

I started thinking about going home. I wanted suddenly to go home, more than anything. I wanted to see my family and my little boy and I wanted to sit back and kick my shoes off and watch TV while Sharon fussed around plumping up cushions and Kevin chucked toys across the room and then maybe crawled over and clambered onto my lap so we could curl up together on the sofa and drift off into one of those perfect sleeps where the whole world just goes away and leaves you in peace.

There were a few moments when I knew what was going on, but mostly it was a daft blur of shapes and muffled noises. The only really clear moment was much later, when everything went still and the thudding noises went away. I saw Sharon, all dressed up in her very best, and she was holding Kevin by the hand. The poor little kid looked totally lost. I couldn't hear a thing but I could see him looking up at his mum and asking the same question over and over until in the end she scooped him up and walked away, shoulders heaving.

That was a while ago. They've been back since, with my parents and a few mates. They always bring flowers. I feel like a bloody florist's shop. I like seeing them though, because when they're not there, everything blurs and fades away. It's nice though. Very peaceful, very calm, and best of all, I'm home.