Blog Name: Look Who's Talking

At the moment, I’m in San Francisco on holiday with my wife. Praise the aliens, what a town!

And this is true, I swear. I was popping out for some flowers for my wife to show her how much I love and respect her and my long-term marriage, when did I not get summoned by Xenu and taken up in his craft. What are the chances? Wow! What an honour! Me, plain old John from New Jersey sitting side by side with the master himself!

I was chatting to the master about how far we’d come since the whole Volcano being jammed with those hydrogen bombs thing, sending those Thetan particles into the host planet.

I told him of my personal journey and he promised me that if I paid him a million dollars that he would let me into the ultimate secret. But first I had to go and round up as many able bodied men as I could to build an army of Scientologists to fight the second Galactic War alongside him and his Thetan brethren.

“Anything for you, Master. But where will I get such an army of able bodied men?” I asked his great self.

“Look around you, my brother,” he bellowed as he gestured out the window of the craft to the Castro area of San Fran.

And he was right! Men; hundreds of men! Able bodied men who looked ready for action. Some had already joined up, holding hands as they walked. Such solidarity, such fraternity! I had to get in amongst them at once! I had to befriend them. One by one.

Right, I reckon that should tick all the boxes; it’s got the wife, it’s got the aliens, it’s got the mission, it’s got the reason for being seen hanging out on the Castro. Build religion into any case and they can’t touch you. That’s the first amendment right there, baby!

Why didn’t George Michael have an excuse like this all planned out when they caught him? Jeez, I’ll never know.

Thank God this blog’s the best kept secret in Hollywood!