So here we have example of Russian technical genius, yes? I make blog on entirely home made Russian computer. It fast as the lightning, it nice colour, it totally never goes wrong, unless woman downstairs switching on TV then all lights dim and hamster dies. But he is good Russian hamster and he happy to die for Motherland.
I wearing new suit today. Is good Russian suit. My grandmama made it herself, in between shifts at the tractor factory. It fit really well, because I am same size as Grandfather, who is dead. So I get suit, I am happy. It smell a bit of rotting Grandfather but in Russia, that is good way of attracting the babes.
I am man in charge of Motherland, you know. I Prime Minister, which much more important than President. My friend Dmitry, he President. He none too smart, he think he important, ho ho! In Russia, we say
“Keep your enemies close. They useful for stopping bullets.”
Yes, I let Dmitry be President, I tell him, “Hey, we power share. You get big office and comfy chair and prostitutes. I get key to gold reserves and prostitutes. Is fair, da?” He happy, naturally. He gets only comfy chair in whole of Kremlin. He only man there who don't have sore arse.
I wish to say few words on Georgia issue. We much bigger than them, we have more tanks than them. We have too many tanks. We try giving away on game shows, but people not happy, they sell them on ebay or swap for cabbage. Anyway, we decide to use up some tanks on invading Ossetia. No big deal, we could carpet bomb this dump and do maybe three roubles of damage. But suddenly whole world is climbing on high horse and saying we do bad thing. Even the USA. Ho ho! That George Bush, he remind me of Dmitry so much, like we say in Russia:
“The lights are on but owner too stupid to find light switch.”
OK, so now I have to go and run the country, plus Dmitry wants dinner and then story before bed. Meantime, I say to world, don't worry about Georgia – I don't. Also, keep this blog anonymous, or else that George, he get wrong end of stick and start beating his Bush with it.
до свидания!!
6 comments:
Careful there, Vlad, or you'll have the CIA after you!
We are not scared of capitalist pig dogs CIA. As we say in Russia:
"Man with penis in biscuit barrel is not necessarily fucking crackers."
Just come back from a trip to RAF Kinloss where, as I'm sure you know, we keep the surveillance Nimrods. The lads say to tell you that you've left your lawnmower out in the backgarden of you Dacha. Best fetch it in.
You make English joke, ho ho! We know of these nimrods, they are, as you say in England, "well past it". KGB tell me that nimrod not real airplane, just 50 thousand rivets flying in close formation!
Q: What's the most frightening animal in Africa?
A: Vlad The Impala.
Anyhow, good work in Georgia! I like the way you timed it to coincide with Olympics - invading Afgh just before the Moscow Olympics was a PR disaster by anybody's standards, at least you've learned that lesson!
Come 2012, we invade Suffolk. No one will notice. They will all be watching olympics. Or maybe sleeping with own sister.
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