Clarkson on.. The Credit Crunch

It seems that all anyone talks about these days is the Credit Crunch, this big financial crisis that looms over us all like Godzilla in a cheap Japanese movie. So, in my capacity as world-leading financial guru, I have created this handy “cut out'n'keep” guide.

Q. Where did it come from?

A. Blame America.

Q. No really, where did it come from?

A. Communists are seeding the world with money eating cockroaches that are driving us all into ruin.

Q. I knew it! How can we defeat them?

A. I was lying. Blame America. Imagine this scenario. In down town Detroit, we have a young married couple named Hank and Monica. Hank is short and wide and the same shape as a water barrel. He has grown a beard, because he thinks it makes him look European. Monica looks exactly the same as Hank, but without the beard. She spends a lot of money on hair colouring, 'Because she's worth it'. Currently, her head is purple.

Hank works for a motor car manufacturer. He spends his working day discussing last night's re-runs of Star Trek, reading The National Inquirer and eating his own body weight in beef products. Occasionally he bolts a wing mirror on to a pick up truck.

Monica spends her day sitting down. She likes to read dieting magazines, many of which are full of delicious recipes. Sometimes the pictures are so tempting, she eats the magazines.

Several years ago, Hank and Monica were married in the Church of the Latter Day Flying Saucer. Hank wore his finest Star Trek costume, while Monica was shrouded in a white bell tent that made her look a little bit like a dog fight in a potato sack. It was at this point that THE PROBLEM STARTED.

You see, Hank and Monica wanted their own house, but they didn't have any money. Hank didn't earn much at the car company, who never valued his skills at eating, reading the National Inquirer, or impersonating the 'whoosh' of the USS Enterprise's sliding doors. So what did they do? They BORROWED A LOT OF MONEY.

They thought this was marvellous. Truly, America was The Land of Opportunity. Only in America could two young people, with no money, or skills, or brains, borrow such huge amounts of money and then spend it on a house that was actually worth slightly less than Hank's tab at the local 'Eat All-U-Can' burger and gun dispensary.

So, there it is. The start of all the world's problems, right there, as Hank sweeps Monica over the threshold of their new home, pausing only to clutch his groin as a suspected rupture makes his eyes bulge.

Q. Blimey. What can we do?

A. Buy a Range Rover. It won't help you with your financial issues, but at least you will go to Heaven.

Q. Can I quote you on that?

A. No way, this is definitely staying anonymous.