You find me in quandary, readers. Easy for me to say, eh?
Bloody Brand, what’s he gone and done that for? Now everybody will wondering why I’m not offering myself up. But how, how do I get to keep the money, and get an outlet for my genius at the same time? And what about you, the public who so desperately want me and need me? Has anyone given any thought to you who have come to rely on me for putting some colour into your sad little lives?
Bloody Brand, what’s he gone and done that for? Now everybody will wondering why I’m not offering myself up. But how, how do I get to keep the money, and get an outlet for my genius at the same time? And what about you, the public who so desperately want me and need me? Has anyone given any thought to you who have come to rely on me for putting some colour into your sad little lives?
I’m worth a million of you, I am.
If I go, how will I get my daily fix of making inappropriate and lewd comments to female celebrities? How will I get to poke fun at the genitalia size and function of near-retirement broadcasters? How will I get to debase the politician du jour by poking fun at their imagined sexual preferences and cock size? Who will offer to rub themselves up against nubile young popstars and actresses if I don’t? Wogan? The only thing he’s rubbing is liniment into his arthritic joints.
More importantly how will the public be able to live without that kind of top flight entertainment? People will have to take the streets and hang around eavesdropping on pissed up hoodies as they call each other names and shout at passers by. I don’t want that. That’s my job. But in an expensive suit and with more prolific use of the word “Fuck” (which I invented).
I tell you this is all got totally out of hand. It’s like that time that I got blamed for causing havoc when some kids from my daughter’s school called up and left lewd messages for her on our home answerphone. I went mad, I did. Gross invasion of privacy. I’m a very private man. A family man.
What? Whaaat?....
Still I’ll be OK, I could go to America. They know what talent is! Surely my kind of chat show will go a bomb over there. I mean it’s not as if they have been doing my kind of thing years before I (pinched) did it, or anything? Russell’s got some contacts...still, I can’t seem to get him on the phone right now. I’ll keep trying. Oh and my old chum Ricky’s doing an absolute bomb over there. I’ll keep trying him as well...he’s bound to pick up sooner or later...
I don't need the BBC.....do I?
5 comments:
Dear Mr Ross,
I am shocked, appalled and shocked at your blatant attempt to trivialise a very serious matter. But for the schoolboy antics of yourself and that other malfeasant, Mr Brand (who, by the way, is a crap shag), I would never have obtained such vast press coverage, er, I mean brilliant publicity, er, and my grandfather nearly died of shock when he discovered what I do for a living.
I only hope you can live with yourself and your money.
Yours Sincerely,
Georgina "Voluptua" Baillie,
The Satanic Sluts
c/o Max Clifford
(available for interviews and photoshoots)
My mate fucked you!
What?!!!!
Jonathan, mate, I feel for you. However, maybe it's time to piss off and let your brother have a go, i mean, the poor bastard is currently lumbered with 'Most Haunted Live' for fuck's sake. Give the poor sod a break, you git.
Dear Mr Woss,
Please could you give me Wussel's number. I haven't shagged him yet and feel left out.
Welsh girl; My mate hasn't fucked you!
What???!!!
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