Blog name: Rossed the Plot

You find me in quandary, readers. Easy for me to say, eh?

Bloody Brand, what’s he gone and done that for? Now everybody will wondering why I’m not offering myself up. But how, how do I get to keep the money, and get an outlet for my genius at the same time? And what about you, the public who so desperately want me and need me? Has anyone given any thought to you who have come to rely on me for putting some colour into your sad little lives?

I’m worth a million of you, I am.

If I go, how will I get my daily fix of making inappropriate and lewd comments to female celebrities? How will I get to poke fun at the genitalia size and function of near-retirement broadcasters? How will I get to debase the politician du jour by poking fun at their imagined sexual preferences and cock size? Who will offer to rub themselves up against nubile young popstars and actresses if I don’t? Wogan? The only thing he’s rubbing is liniment into his arthritic joints.

More importantly how will the public be able to live without that kind of top flight entertainment? People will have to take the streets and hang around eavesdropping on pissed up hoodies as they call each other names and shout at passers by. I don’t want that. That’s my job. But in an expensive suit and with more prolific use of the word “Fuck” (which I invented).

I tell you this is all got totally out of hand. It’s like that time that I got blamed for causing havoc when some kids from my daughter’s school called up and left lewd messages for her on our home answerphone. I went mad, I did. Gross invasion of privacy. I’m a very private man. A family man.

What? Whaaat?....

Still I’ll be OK, I could go to America. They know what talent is! Surely my kind of chat show will go a bomb over there. I mean it’s not as if they have been doing my kind of thing years before I (pinched) did it, or anything? Russell’s got some contacts...still, I can’t seem to get him on the phone right now. I’ll keep trying. Oh and my old chum Ricky’s doing an absolute bomb over there. I’ll keep trying him as well...he’s bound to pick up sooner or later...

I don't need the BBC.....do I?

Blog Name: Bwa-hahahah!

Now that I have become CEO of Microsoft, I can begin to tackle the many challenges facing this mighty empire.

My chair, for instance, is not as comfy as it once was. His name is Juan and I suspect he has lost weight. I only chose him to be my chair because he was fat, but now, he isn't. I shall have to dispose of him and find another serf to take his place.

This morning, on my way to the office, my vehicle broke down. Three of the serfs collapsed with heat exhaustion and nearly dropped me. I whipped them severely, but they refused to get up. In the end I called the Auto Club and they sent a mechanic, who whipped them for me as I was quite exhausted. Eventually they died and were thrown to the wolves. I got the office to send out new serfs by helicopter, but I was still late for an important meeting. However, I avoided embarrassment by phoning ahead and having the other attendees slaughtered and eaten by piranha fish.

I am comforted by the thought that Microsoft has made many technical innovations this year. I am proud of our new i-phone killer. His name is Igor and he has been tasked with killing anyone who owns an i-phone. I am also pleased with the progress on our 'zune' music player which has the ability to detect impure thoughts, such as the urge to copy music files. Anyone who thinks such filth will pay. With their lives. Spikes will emerge from the earphones and explode their brains. Acid will seep from the packaging and burn off their fingers. Such is the fate of any scumbag who tries to rip off copyrighted material.

Our new operating system, Vista, is attracting rave reviews from the press. I have made sure of this by sending pig entrails to all technical journalists. Even so, a couple of journalists tried to defy me, so I sent their entrails to my chef who served them to me with a green salad and a glass of Merlot.

Finally, Microsoft is investing heavily in Cloud Computing. In the future, all computers will use Microsoft online services. Then we will buy all the power stations and ensure that electricity only works on Microsoft products. Anyone running a wind farm will be savaged by flesh eating termites. Soon the world will be mine and then I shall possess ultimate power. Finally, after so many years of waiting, I shall get to shag Pamela Anderson.

In the meantime, this blog must remain anonymous, or else all my plans will be undone and I won't get to shag Pamela Anderson, or indeed, anyone else who isn't handcuffed.