Blog Name: The Bank of England

In my capacity as Governor of the Bank of England, I carry many burdens upon my shoulders. Inflation, deflation, recession, depression, exchange rates and interest rates, avoiding fiscal prurience and staving off alien invasion.

My recent decision to implement a program of quantitive easing, to inject new money into the economy, was not arrived at without a great deal of thought. Clearly, in desperate times, we must consider turning to desperate measures. I feel I speak for the whole country, however when I say that even as our printing presses churn out more banknotes by the million, we can take some comfort in the knowledge that the measures are working and the banks are indeed queuing up to sell me their government bonds, which will help to release more capital into the economy.

And I can say to you all, that although we have acted quickly, we have not acted hastily. Indeed, we have little time to spare. Our economy is at a turning point and we must be sure to steer it in the right direction to encourage the money to flow once more which will give us the means to defend ourselves against the Treens, who even now are massing their armies on that distant world.

Yes, some are uncertain as to how effective these measure will be in the long term, but they should weigh their words carefully. A little pain today is preferable to Treen stormtroopers goose-stepping down Whitehall tomorrow, whilst that creature who is evil personified, the Emperor Mekon, takes the salute from the steps of his Imperial Command Ship.

I know that these are worrying times. Indeed, I am just as worried as anyone. In fact, I haven't slept for three months now and if it wasn't for the bathroom fairies scrubbing my armpits every morning, I wouldn't have washed either. But we must go forward, heads held high, and do battle with the new Axis of Evil, namely Inflation and His Foulness, the Emperor Mekon. We can prevail. We will fight them on the beaches and we will go forward into sunlit uplands, lit by the candles of Victory.

In the meantime, this blog shall remain anonymous - there are spies everywhere. Trust no one!

Prime Minister's Question Time

I know that many of you have questions about the challenges facing us all. In this blog, therefore, I hope to answer some of those questions using every day terms that fully relate to and are born from the lives, and aspirations, of you, the people.

Alan, in South Wales, asks: Do you think we should nationalise all our banks?

Well boyo, look you, see this is a bit of a tricky one, like growing leeks, isn't it? You plant the buggers and let all that lovely rain soak them right through, look you, then before you can say Max Boyce, the bloody green fly have got 'em. Never mind eh, not while we got the telly and bit of rugby, isn't it?

June, in Birmingham, asks: Is the Government planning to cut public spending?

Bit of a tricky one, that. By rights we should be saving a few bob, y'know like a couple of quid every now and then, y'know, but thing is, we're all a bit strapped at the mo', so really it's, like, anybody's guess. Really.

Toby, in London, asks: How will the recession affect the plans for the Olympics?

Listen mate, we ain't gonna let a few fackin quid stop the party, never mind what those bleeding wankers in the City are saying. We're gonna have the biggest knees-up ever, strike me dead if we aint, and if some toffy-nosed barstard tries to get in the fackin way I'll have his knee caps.

Susan, in Glasgow, asks: What about Scotland's plans for independance?

Och, well, the noo, that's a bonnie wee question, and I think we all ken the answer there, lassie. Aye, let's not forget that many a mickle mucks a mackerel. The noo.

Alex, in Belfast, asks: Perhaps we should adopt the Euro currency now?

Bejaasus, and that's a fine question, to be sure, to be sure. Did i tell you the one about the two Irish men outside the job centre? Paddy says to Murphy, "Would you look at that, typical of our luck, they want tree fellers and there's only two of us." To be sure.

Norman, Vice President of the Lesbian and Gay Outreach Committee, asks: When will interest rates begin to rise again?

Ooh, i say, what a big question that is. I don't think i've ever been probed like that before, ooo-err. Still i'll do me best, i mean, you know i'll bend over backwards for anyone, dear. Now just give me a minute while me nail varnish dries.


Well, hopefully this answers a few of the questions that I know you all have. Should there be more, please send them to me, C/O Downing Street or via this blog. You can, of course, remain anonymous. I know that I certainly intend to.