Blog Name: Gene Hunt - The Gene Genie

Well well, you live and learn. There was i, thinking that 'blogging' was some deviant sexual practice between consenting bastards in a car park, when in fact, according to DI Drake it's all about keeping a diary and 'expressing yourself'.

The last time i 'expressed' myself, Fingers McGee had his teeth kicked so far down his throat he ate his lunch through his arse. But then i suppose that even an old fashioned copper like me can learn new tricks.

Take this psycho-wotsit profiling that Drake's always on about. I told her, villains don't have any psycho-wotsit worth looking at. The best way of profiling some spotty git who enjoys spraying his name on flyovers and mugging old ladies is to twist his nasty little head round until it comes off. She then accused me of being 'old fashioned'. Too bloody right love, i said. I like being old fashioned. I enjoy oldy-worldy stuff like banging up pimps and murderers. Much better than the modern alternative of feeding them tea and biscuits and asking them if this ink blot reminds them of their first wank.

But, because i am more flexible and accomodating than some tart in a Bankok floor show, i am willing to try anything. Last week, for instance, i cornered a certain Nobby 'Molegrips' Fletcher in the tap room of the Jolly Sailor. He was wanted for armed robbery and assault with intent. He didn't want to come quietly, but, remembering Drake's advice, i reasoned with him. After that, i let DS Carling reason with him. After that we called an ambulance while uniform swept up the bastard's teeth. Being flexible and accomodating i will, of course, have them wrapped and posted to him.

At the moment i am working on a case involving drugs, prostitutes and booze. It requires me to wade chest deep through the shit-infested sewer that lies underneath our cosy little world. But i'm not worried about that. All i care about is that Drake sorts out the disco and DC Skelton gets off his useless arse and sorts out the sandwiches. Otherwise we'll never get to enjoy my birthday party.

Anyway, enough of this bollocks, time to get out there and collar some more scumbags. And all of the above is staying anonymous, because, despite what Drake says, actually you're sodding guilty until i say otherwise.

Blog Name: French Sex and How To Do It

Hi, my name is Nicholas Zarkozy and because i am French, i am an expert on all things to do with sex, including areas such as

• What it is
• Where it is
• How things work
• Nasty rashes
• Disco music

In this blog i will present to you a number of ways in which you can spice up your sex life. So, buckle up and hang on, we're going on the sex rollercoaster down the Orgasm Peage to le paradis en France!!

Relationships

A stable relationship is very important, so i have several and, being French, i am able to satisfy all my women at the same time. This is crucial. If you are not French, or worse, English, you can not do this. You must only have the one relationship, else you will not satisfy any of your women and you will have to ask a nearby frenchman to help them achieve their orgasms.

Where to get sex

I get my best sex in the kitchen, where i take the scullery maid roughly from behind while she is grooming my poodle. Sometimes, i get sex almost as good when i am in a traffic jam and beautiful parisien women slide through the windows of my citroen and take my powerful french manhood in their gasping mouths, until the lights change and i have to beat them away with my fists. Occasionally, gorgeous film stars arrive at my house disguised as telephone repair women and i have brutal, french sex with them under the stairs where the junction box is.

Sex positions

The best positions depend on how many of you there are. Being French, i am usually surrounded by several beautiful women, all of whom are biting and scratching each other to be the first to receive my powerful french manhood. In this instance, i adopt the l'autobus position, IE three come at once. Sometimes i get bored however and go outside to smoke gauloises and write another chapter for my book on philosophy.

The G Spot

There is no such thing as the G Spot. Beautiful french women would not need one in any case as they are permanently in a state of arousal, on account of being close to so many virile, thrusting french men. English women may possibly have a G spot. I don't know. Probably no one does, least of all english men.

Lesbians

In France, lesbians are now accepted as legal in certain cities, although in rural areas, they are still traditionally tarred and feathered every Sunday, after Mass. NB this only applies to ugly lesbians in large and unfashionable shoes. Beautiful lesbians in nice clothes are welcome in most shops and restaurants.

Disco music

Music is very important to the French People which is why Sacha Distel is still popular, despite being dead. We French like to have wild sex whilst listening to music. I like to listen to marching bands of the French Foreign Legion whilst spanking my secretary, and her three sisters, with asparagus tips. After that, we play selections from La Cage aux Folies while they rub my nipples with coq au vin. We French do not play disco music as self abuse is still punishable by death.

Next time i shall explore the darker side of sex. Animals, corpses, dungeons. Yes, i'll be chatting to my great friend, Max Moseley. In the meantime i shall stay anonymous, otherwise Prime Minister Brown will be pestering me for tips on how to get girls. Au revoir!