Editor's note: Extracts from the parliamentary blog of Lord Slippery-Clench, Tory MP for Sodham West. The following entry was made prior to the current revelations about MP's expense claims.
As the very proud Tory MP for Sodham West, which of course includes Little Felching, Much Spanking and Choking North, I often get asked how I manage on the very small salary which Parliament grants me.
Luckily, we MPs are able to put in claims for those expenses which we incur as part of our normal, every day parliamentary duties.
My house, for instance, is a constant drain on my slender resources. Darling Fanny, my good lady wife, is often in despair over the costs of staff, hunting, landscaping the grounds and maintaining the five limousines. I say to her, "Darling Fanny," I say, "Chin up, and remember, it may be hard but it's nothing you can't take."
Yes, I know what it's like to worry about cash. I barely have enough to finish the other house, which needed completely new furnishings, I mean, Darling Fanny was gaping when she saw how awfully outmoded it all was. But thanks to this marvellous expenses procedure, I was able to secure the entire contents of a Normandy Chateau which came up for sale. Another expenses claim will get me enough cash to have all three truck loads of furniture shipped over, and finally, our beautiful home will be finished just in time to get it on the market and sold before we whizz off to our well earned summer break.
Trouble is, the jolly old bills just keep rolling in. It seems that Darling Fanny has been paying her best friend, Chlamydia Barrels, for the use of her three Afghans as private secretaries. Well I naturally thought they were people, not bloody dogs. Now Chlamydia has asked that their salaries be upped by 20% because of their rising workload. Well, what's a chap to do? I told Darling Fanny to pay the bloody woman and just scribble something on the expenses form about providing gainful employment for political refugees.
Well, I'm not one to moan, so it's chin up and soldier on with the business of running this proud and noble country of ours. Meantime, I really should keep this anonymous else I'd need to claim for publishing expenses which would simply be greedy, what!
