Not Wading But Drowning

This seems as good a place as any to draft that memo to my army of minions. Let's see...

You ungrateful bunch of treacherous shits,
Hmmm...too long.

You bastards,
Too honest.

Dear All,

When I wrote to you last week updating you on a number of business issues I did not anticipate having to do so again so soon, but some cunt has gone and let the cat out of the bag. I admit it's my own fault; I should have paid Inspector Knacker more handsomely to keep a lid on the whole hideous affair. I can only say thank fuck I've still got the dirt on Cameron safely locked up in Rupert's HQ.

And the dirt on Rupert locked up at no. 10. Hee!

We were all appalled and shocked when we heard about these allegations yesterday. And if I find out that any of you has grassed me up, just bear in mind that I can very quickly make your life a living hell. It would be no trouble at all to have the lot of you branded a bunch of paedophiles and produce the evidence to prove it. Witness statements, photos, it's amazing what you can "discover" when you're in charge of the biggest media machine on the planet.

Our first priority must be to shred establish the full facts behind these claims. I have written to Mr and Mrs Dowler this morning to assure them News International will vigorously pursue the truth and that they will be the first to be informed of the outcome of our investigation. In unmarked notes in a large brown envelope.

Our lawyers have also written to their solicitor Mark Lewis to ask him to show us any of the evidence he has so we can swiftly take the appropriate action, i.e. raid his offices, wipe his hard drives etc.

The process of discovery is complicated. First we hire a run-of-the-mill detective to find the ex-directory numbers of victims' families, then we use a professional to get the voicemail codes of their contacts. After transcribing their messages, we delete them to make room for more juicy material to fill our rag, then we pretend we got those statements during personal interviews with the bereaved. The MPS is the last to know, if we even feel like telling them.

I hope that you all realise that although I personally ordered my hacks to get this material at any cost, it is inconceivable that I should shoulder any responsibility whatsoever.

I am aware of the speculation about my position. Therefore it is important you all know that as chief executive, if I go down, I'm taking you lot with me.

We will face up to the mistakes and wrongdoing of the past and we will do our utmost to see that the Justice Secretary is done for and those culpable will never be punished.

Thank God this blog's anonymous, I could swing for this.